REMEMBERING THE CANDIDATES WHO HAVE DROPPED OUT
Cue up Sarah McLachlan's "I Will Remember You" because it's time to look back at all the candidates who have dropped out of the 2016 Presidential race!
- •Lincoln ChaffeeTripping over your own two feet into a senate seat from the State of Rhode Island hardly qualifies you to run for president. Being governor normally would, but not of the runt of New England's litter. His two biggest claims to fame before his Quixotic (read: laughable) presidential campaign were 1) not voting for the war in Iraq and 2) being the very definition of a RINO until dropping even the "N" and becoming a Democrat. Expect him to endorse Clinton because he doesn't want his head cut off.
- •Lindsey GrahamThis Air Force pilot turned Lawyer turned South Carolina legislator turned member of the House of Representatives turned senator turned Presidential candidate turned person endorsing Jeb Bush for some reason dropped out on Dec. 21, 2015 after failing to claw his way out of the vicious melée of the undercard debates. His endorsement of Jeb Bush means an indefinite prison term under President-for-Life Bloomberg.
- •Mike HuckabeeIt's pretty funny how close his name is to Hickabee. This evangelical former governor of Arkansas promised to send the Army to abortion clinics and basically said the Iran nuclear deal was the holocaust. Honestly, I don't know why we weren't talking about him more. Expect him to endorse Liver Lips McGrowl from Country Bear Jamboree.
- •Bobby JindalHere we have Louisiana's answer to the question "wouldn't it be weird if the son of two Indian immigrants converted to Catholicism and became one of the most obstinate conservative ideologues in modern US politics?" The unhinged ramblings on his campaign blog, especially his rambling piece about gun control, painted a picture of a lunatic in his basement clinging to a gun next to stacks of canned vegetables. That picture isn't wrong. Expect him to endorse the heat death of the universe.
- •Lawrence LessigIn a campaign that has become all about outsider politics, you'd think this nutjob would get a little more traction. But no one really wants to vote for an Internet lawyer. His campaign was notable for 1) his promise to enact campaign finance reform and immediately resign and 2) how whiny he was about not being in the debates. Expect him to endorse uploading your consciousness to the mainframe or some bullshit.
- •Martin O'MalleyTommy Carcetti was always a long shot for the presidency. And at least he kept the democratic race interesting for a while for 1) being essentially on the Wire and 2) being super handsome. This handsome man has a handsome future of being handsome ahead of him, though it's unclear if that will be in the world of politics or with his Celtic Rock band, O'Malley's March. Expect him to endorse Clinton because he will be her VP.
- •George PatakiThe former New York governor was really just hoping millennials would get confused and think he was Helga's dad from Hey Arnold! That didn't pan out. He endorsed Marco Rubio because doing otherwise would acknowledge the impending demise of his party.
- •Rand PaulThe libertarian wunderkind was never going to win over republican voters with his love of mind-altering substances and pinko-hippie isolationist foreign policy positions. But he's Ayn Rand's namesake which at least counts for a fifth place finish in Iowa. Expect him to endorse his drug dealer.
- •Rick PerryRick Perry appears to have either been drunk or otherwise cognitively impaired for most of both of his presidential bids. As governor, he opposed a ban on executing mentally disabled death row inmates. He's been indicted for abuse of official capacity. And he has made two serious runs for the presidency. He has already endorsed Ted Cruz because he never wants to be friends with a republican politician ever again.
- •Rick SantorumHonestly, if a fart could be a person, it would still be less of a fart than this fart. His campaign was probably best known for sparking the question "wait, that guy's still running for president?" He'll go back to spewing appalling, hate-filled rhetoric until someone doses him with LSD and he really GETS IT MAN. If that happens before the conventions, expect him to endorse Sanders. Ignore his formal endorsement of Rubio from earlier this evening.
- •Scott WalkerHe was going to save the party! Embattled governor of a historically blue state. He had the backing of real-life Sith Lords, the Koch brothers. Somehow, the man who DECIMATED public sector unions and was about to turn on private ones, avoided ouster in a recall election. So maybe it shouldn't surprise us that he crashed and burned. Since leaving the race, he has been in the news mostly due passing out drunk at a Christmas Tree Lighting. Expect him to endorse Rubio like the Kochs' special pet.
- •Jim WebbRumors abound that he'll launch a third party campaign, but, like, who cares? The one time Republican turned Democrat basically made a career out of stabbing friends in the back. Expect him to endorse the ghost of the guy he killed in 'nam.
- •REMINDER!The following also-rans are still technically running for president: Jim Gilmore, Jeb! Bush