THE DEFINITIVE RANKING OF NEW YEAR'S EVE TRADITIONS

New Year's Eve is a wonderful celebration of fresh starts and forgetting old acquaintance! We have come up with many ways to celebrate the transition from one year to another, so here is the DEFINITIVE ranking of those traditions!
  1. 6.
    The Midnight Smooch
    Who doesn't love smooching their sweetie?! And who especially doesn't love it when it is the first smooch of a whole new year of smooching?! But don't fret, all you single New Year's revelers, the other part that's the best about this tradition is when the President presses his lips to the lens of a television camera to share a smooch with the smoochless!
  2. 5.
    Noisemakers
    Everyone loves ringing in the New Year with noisemakers, or even just pots and pans! Remember to be as loud as possible to scare the old year, and its defending army into submission.
  3. 4.
    Champagne
    The sound of a champagne bottle being uncorked is almost as synonymous with New Year's as smooching! But don't you dare drink prosecco, otherwise you invite the great demon Astaroth to be your companion in the coming year!
  4. 3.
    The Desecration
    Oh boy! Is it time for the Desecration already? Everyone remembers rounding up all references to the old year as a child so the adults could befoul the old year. Whatever method of desecration you use (fire, ice, rockets, human waste), be sure all signs of the old year are thoroughly desecrated so as not to upset the New Year!
  5. 2.
    The Atonement
    Uh oh! Did you sin this year? Well even if you did, it's okay because it's time to atone! Who doesn't remember the intense feeling of relief once you had laid your sins bare and took the traditional punishment: for every sin, give yourself as many lashings as years it has been since your last sinless year?!
  6. 1.
    The Search For The Infant
    Soon after the stroke of midnight, what joy befalls us! It's time to split into search parties and scour the nearby hospitals! Whoever finds the first infant born in the year can pass all the coming year's sins and failure onto the babe! What a relief!