THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES' NEW YEAR'S RESOLUTIONS

As 2015 comes to an end, we all get an opportunity to assess our goals for 2016. Even the presidential candidates are making resolutions! Let's see what they are!
  1. Jeb Bush - Prevent Marco Rubio from becoming president
  2. Ben Carson - Increase lecture fees forty percent
  3. Chris Christie - Make more of an effort to spend time with family by demanding more flights out of EWR to wherever they happen to be
  4. Hillary Clinton - Be President
  5. Ted Cruz - Finally defeat Fulgencio Batista's ghost
  6. Carly Fiorina - Use lies that are harder to disprove to justify indefensible political positions
  7. Mike Huckabee - Just keep hoping no one notices that while his party has called for Muslims to reject Sharia law, he hasn't ruled out sending the Army to abortion clinics
  8. John Kasich - Remind people more often that he's running for president
  9. Martin O'Malley - Be Vice-President
  10. Rand Paul - Finally meet John Galt
  11. Marco Rubio - Keep that secret family under wraps just a little longer
  12. Bernie Sanders - Finally buy that comb he's been saving up for
  13. Donald Trump - Find a graceful way to back out of this whole mess