THE PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATES RANKED BY HOW COOL THEIR HOME STATE IS
The primaries are in full swing, and some folks out there just don't know who to vote for. So we're laying out all the candidates' various qualifications! Here are the candidates definitively ranked by how cool the state they were born in is.
- •Hillary Clinton - IllinoisYou wouldn't be crazy to think of Hillary as a stateless drifter who blends into the population of whatever place she inhabits at that time. But the former New York senator was born in Illinois, a giant cornfield with some pizza restaurants in the northeast corner.
- •Marco Rubio - FloridaLittle Marco is fittingly from the state with the lowest highest point. The state was cool enough to attract Lebron James, but than uncool enough to make him leave shortly after arriving.
- •John Kasich - OhioThe Buckeye State of governor Kasich's birth and governorship gave us the Wright Brothers, pretty much everyone who has ever been in outer space, and American indie-rock legends Guided by Voices. Pretty fucking cool. Unfortunately it's also a place where people eat chili on spaghetti and Johnny Manziel plays basketball. It did somehow manage to bring Lebron James back from the glamor, cocaine, and burgeoning art scene of sunny Miami.
- •Ted Cruz - Alberta CanadaWhile Ted Cruz may be best associated with the US State of Texas, he was actually born in Alberta. Appropriately, Alberta is sometimes called "the Texas of Canada," which I assume means its population is evenly split between oil men, cattle ranchers, pig farmers, and dirt farmers except they end every sentence with a jovial "sorry, eh!"
- •Bernie Sanders & Donald Trump - New YorkBoth of these curmudgeonly (pretty much) septuagenarians are from New York City (though they're both from... ugh OUTER boroughs.) New York gave us Lou Reed, tall buildings, and possibly lacrosse? But people forget that most of the state is post-apocalyptic waste forming something of a de facto no-man's land between Toronto and New York City.