The Presidential Candidates RANKED by How Much of a Threat They Pose to Western Civilization
As we creep closer to Election Day, it's important to take an open-minded and objective look at where all the candidates stand on important issues. And the most important issue facing American voters is the impending collapse of civilization as we know it! So let's look at how each candidate would end the world!
- •Gary Johnson - Libertarian PartyAmerican libertarians differ from traditional libertarians in that their primary concern is the right to private property. So, as time presses achingly onward, President Johnson would begin to cede many powers of the State to private landowners. Eventually all American land will be controlled by individual landowners, and American citizens may sell their labor to said landowners for protection, or starve in the expansive American wastelands! That, frankly, sounds perfect. No threat!
- •Hillary Clinton - Democratic PartyAfter getting her friends in Ansar al-Sharia to murder the rest of the US diplomatic corps President Clinton will staff every consulate, embassy, and diplomatic mission with those little yellow minions. We will be destroyed mercifully and quickly when India and Pakistan form an alliance and use their nuclear arsenals to destroy all of known creation to rid us of the minion menace.
- •Donald Trump - Republican PartyPresident Trump will do a lot of things that seem to be inviting the apocalypse, but his true master plan lays hidden beneath his bluster, racism, and casual misogyny. He and his friend Vladimir Putin will reveal their true Draco-Reptilian forms and let out a cry that renders true humans deaf, and awakens the Reptilian soldiers hiding in our midst. They will then begin harvesting us for fuel and fight on for complete universal conquest.
- •Jill Stein - Green PartyPresident Stein will ban vaccines and attempt to cure the resulting small pox, measles, rubella, mumps, and polio epidemics with chiropractic techniques. Plus we'll all stink like patchouli.