Today, New Yorkers who registered with the two major political parties at birth will be selecting their preferred nominees. This will be a hotly contested nominating contest, and it will serve to highlight the fighting within each party. In honor of the primary, we rank the candidates by their (to borrow Cruz's phrase) New York Values!
  1. 5.
    Ted Cruz
    When you think of the opposite of New York values, you imagine two places. The first is Senator Cruz's home state of Texas where life is a little more in tune with nature, and carbon dioxide is a superfood. The other is Senator Cruz's birthplace of Canada, where people are almost aggressively polite.
  2. 4.
    Hillary Clinton
    Clinton walks a tricky balance when it comes to New York values. Like many New Yorkers, she was born elsewhere, and identified closely with her beloved, adoptive home state. But she is truly a nomad. She knows no geographic loyalty. Her physical presence in any one location feels so ephemeral. Like it could easily be changed by the slightest breeze.
  3. 3.
    John Kasich
    He ate a big sandwich at a deli. Plus he got kicked out of a Grateful Dead show like one of those Ramones fellows. But he's definitely put chili on spaghetti and that's fucking gross.
  4. 2.
    Donald Trump
    The Donald was born in Queens, and his real estate empire is headquartered in the Big Apple. But this motherfucker is so fucking bridge and tunnel.
  5. 1.
    Bernie Sanders
    New York values means "Jewish."