The primaries are in full swing, and some folks out there just don't know who to vote for. So we're laying out all the candidates' various qualifications! Here are the candidates definitively ranked by the biggest thing with their name on it!
  1. John Kasich - a car
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  2. Hillary Clinton - a bigger car
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  3. Bernie Sanders - a van
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  4. Marco Rubio - a truck
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  5. Donald Trump - a shitty casino
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  6. Ted Cruz - an island nation run by autocratic rulers to whom he has sworn fealty because of his father's role in their ascendance to power so they've rewarded him by painting his name across the island so that it can be seen from space
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