The primaries are in full swing, and some folks out there just don't know who to vote for. So we're laying out all the candidates' various qualifications! Here are the candidates definitively ranked by the length of their longest prison stay.
  1. John Kasich
    While governor Kasich is no stranger to Central Booking in Columbus, the longest sentence the Ohioan has ever served was 72 hours in county lock-up for drunkenly taking a swing at a police horse.
  2. Ted Cruz
    Cruz spent 90 days in the Texas State penitentiary for once forgetting the Alamo.
  3. Bernie Sanders
    Senator Sanders served 5 years of a 15 year sentence after being wrongfully convicted in connection to the sales of plutonium to Libyan terrorists who for some reason thought to buy plutonium from American civilians. The "scientist" actually responsible remains at large.
  4. Marco Rubio
    Rubio served 7 years in a federal penitentiary as part of a plea deal. He was facing several counts of racketeering, drug trafficking, conspiracy to commit murder, and 2nd degree homicide. However, the young Floridian turned States' on his co-conspirators in order to receive a lighter sentence. His life as we know it is an invention of the witness protection program.
  5. Hillary Clinton
    Few people realize that Clinton got her start in politics canvassing for Nixon in 1960. Fewer people still realize her involvement in the Barry Goldwater campaign in 1964. Clinton was part of a radical cell of Goldwater supporters who were uncovered plotting to assassinate Lyndon B. Johnson. She was convicted in the conspiracy and earned her degree from Wellesley college from a prison cell during her 15 years in the pen.
  6. Donald Trump
    The fallen angel, Donald Trump, so disgraced our lord god, that he was cast to earth to spend an entire lifetime in the body of a cretinous monster. He has so far served 69 years and it is said he prays nightly for death, but death refuses to come.