This Sunday, we as a nation will hold our annual celebration of Chronic Traumatic Encephalopathy: Super Bowl L! Americans will gather in living rooms across the country to watch the uniquely American spectacle that is professional football's championship game. For the uninitiated, here is the rundown of a typical super bowl party!
  1. The Snack Battle
    Every American home has a choice to make. Are you a nacho house, or a chicken wings house? The only way to answer this question for sure is the snack battle. Usually held days before the big game, it consists of two combatants gorging themselves on either of the two major snacks. Then it is time for battle! The combatants wail on each other until one throws up or dies. The winning snack is served, all supporters of the losing snack go hungry until the beginning of the next football season.
  2. The National Anthem
    The day itself begins with the national anthem. All American citizens are expected to be completely silent until this patriotic ritual begins. US ethics officers patrol every neighborhood to assure participation and punish those whose singing does not measure up to America's great beauty.
  3. The Big Hit Ritual
    Whenever two of the players collide into each other with bone-rattling intensity, it's time for the Ritual! Everyone produces a photograph of Nigerian born neuropathologist and tears it into pieces while singing the Big Hit Song: "We love bone-crunching tackles/ There's nothing for the league to fix/ We hold no liability/ These players knew the risks!"
  4. The Insult Round
    Each attendee of each party selects a burly player who makes more money than they will ever see and delivers as crushing an insult as their mind can conceive. These insults are mailed to the players care of their respective teams. The player most hurt by the insults is killed.
  5. The Purge
    Inevitably, someone at your party will utter the phrase "I only watch the Super Bowl for the commercials." Kill them. Kill them fucking dead.