THE STAGES OF AN OFFICE HOLIDAY PARTY
It's time to start celebrating the holidays! Many of us will subsequently going through the magical yearly ritual of the office Holiday Party. Here's a list of the common stages of such events so that you may be adequately prepared!
- •Lining up for the buffet!Time for everyone to get in the spirit of things! Those who are most enthusiastic combine with those who most desire a free lunch at the front of the line. Next in line are the people who had something to finish real quick before letting loose! Finally you have the people who forgot about the party.
- •The buffet itself!Sure, it might just be crappy catering, but it's (kind of) hot! And free!
- •The meal!The employees gather and attempt to enjoy their free meal. But their minds are, of course, elsewhere. The true treat us yet to come... At least for some.
- •The selection!From the ignorant masses, two are selected. It is time to decide on the new figurehead.
- •The contest of intellect!The two selected ones must now submit to a test of intellectual fortitude administered by the council of elders. They must display their prowess in the areas of mathematics, physical sciences, and jurisprudence. Whichever of the two is considered the better may take only temporary respite, though.
- •The contest of righteousness!The two selected are now presented by the council of elders with moral quandaries to which there can be only one morally justifiable answer. Again though, the winner's respite is brief. The most important contest is to come.
- •The contest of might!Here begins the most important contest! A representative from the council of elders shackles the two selected ones to each other's right wrists. The council of elders forms a "ring of the unholy" around the two combatants. They must now compete with nothing but raw strength for an unbroken forty-five minute interval or until one is rendered too weak to stand.
- •The tallying of the scores!The council of elders tallies the scores from the three contests. During this time, the ignorant can participate in either an exchange of gifts, or tend to the wounds of the two selected, as custom dictates.
- •The announcement of the winner!One of the two selected is announced as the new figurehead! It is time to celebrate the new leader, the new protector! But that time is necessarily short.
- •The casting out!Where there are winners, there are, of course, losers. And punishment must get meted out as fairly as reward! The losing selected one, as well as the exiting figurehead must me cast out into the violent wilds. They will, doubtless, be torn asunder by the wolves, but that cannot be our concern. Our only concern is the figurehead.
- •The ugly sweater contest!Everyone who wore a funny holiday outfit stands. The person with the funniest outfit gets a gift card to Macy's.