Trump's ceaseless campaign of violence and intimidation has crossed a new threshold of barbarity. The billionaire real estate developer turned cultural gadfly turned conspiratorial lunatic turned presidential candidate has resorted to hostage taking, holding his former competitor, New Jersey governor Chris Christie, in captivity. Here's the story:
  1. Oh boy, Mr. Trump! It really is an honor to meet you!
  2. Oh wow! Mr. Trump! Remember me? I'm the president of New Jersey. Looks like we're running against each other for president! May the best man win! Haha!
  3. I need you to do something for me, Christopher.
  4. Wh-what is it?
  5. Wound him. Then together we can rule the Galaxy!
  6. Rule together? Hmmm.
  7. Marco Rubio is a robot-boy! He is Cuban Barack Obama!
  8. Did I do good?
  9. Yes my son.
  10. But there is something else I need from you.
  11. Wh-what is it?
  12. You know you're finished. Support me. Secure yourself a role in the new order.
  13. But my ambitions!
  14. Fuck your ambitions you stupid clown! It's over. You're done! Join me. Join me or you shall perish. Just like the rest of them!
  15. I-- I suppose I must.
  16. Maybe it won't be so bad.
  17. Haha! Look at him! Look at my whipping boy!
  18. What? Whipping boy?
  19. This fat clown does my bidding.
  20. Does your bidding?
  21. Donald, I don't think you were being honest when you said we'd rule together.
  22. Of course I wasn't being honest, Christopher. You're worthless. A worthless pawn.
  23. Am I worthless?
  24. Christopher, you're worse than worthless even.
  25. Well I'll just abandon your campaign then!
  26. Oh will you?
  27. Yes I will.
  28. No you won't.
  29. And why not?
  30. Because I've got you by the BALLS, Christopher. You torched your last bridge to the GOP establishment. You'll never hold elected office again! Your best hope in this life is to be my pawn.
  31. Forever.
  32. Oh my god.
  33. Plus I kidnapped your family.
  34. No.
  35. What have I done?