TIPS FOR EASING INTO WORK AFTER A LONG WEEKEND

Is there anything worse than having to go back in to the office after a long weekend? Of course not! Whether your body is still dealing with some of the fun you had, or you just got too used to not being under the watchful eye of the boss, these tips can make your first day back just a little more bearable.
  1. Healthy breakfast
    It's tempting to write this off as more propaganda from the breakfast-industrial complex, but your body needs good energy to sustain it through the nightmarish hellscape that is your work-life. So take in some fresh fruit, whole grains, and lean protein to start your day!
  2. Coffee
    Look, a good night's sleep and an energy-rich breakfast just don't cut it in this dog-eat-dog world. So help your body more efficiently use the energy you give it with coffee!
  3. Amphetamines
    Look, we get it. Coffee just doesn't do the trick anymore for some folks. It almost feels like NOTHING does the trick. So who's really to judge if you take a few of those pills that trucker gave you back in Tucson?
  4. Incantations
    Sometimes not even the highest octane crank can get you motivated after a three day weekend, and you need supernatural help. It just might be time to awaken the Great Old Ones! Find a quiet corner of the office, burn some incense, and, with increasing intensity, chant "Ph'nglui inglw'nafh Cthulhu R'lyeh wgah'nagl fhtagn."
  5. Blood Sacrifice
    If things are still dragging, it's time to appease the gods at the highest possible level: human sacrifice. If you work among the innocent, this should be a piece of cake. If you live in the abode of the damned, you may need to step outside your comfort zone to capture an innocent. The method of sacrifice doesn't matter so much, just as long as enough blood flows to sate the gods' bloodthirst.
  6. Suicide
    If you still can't get it together, well, I got bad news. Life will continue to throw shit at you. And some of that shit's going to be even worse than this. That feeling in the pit of your stomach when you woke up this morning? It may go away temporarily, but it will always return. Though if you're an innocent, we strongly recommend helping someone out with the blood sacrifice if at all possible!
  7. Treat yourself!
    Sometimes the best way through a tough day is to promise yourself a small reward at the end of the day! Whether it's a sweet dessert, a relaxing bath, or just a judgment-free evening of watching television, it's amazing how powerful little rewards can be!