Last night, erstwhile presidential candidate and person from Florida, Marco Rubio rushed out a series of tweets ostensibly in response to a Washington Post piece that quoted "sources close to Rubio." Here are the rant's tweets RANKED!
  1. Static
    This one loses points for featuring Ted Cruz's terrible visage.
  2. Static
    Dull sentiment delivered dully.
  3. Static
    Dull sentiment delivered slightly less dully.
  4. Static
    "Also I don't have friends"
  5. Static
    10,000 isn't REALLY that many, but you gotta appreciate Isaac's input!
  6. Static
    Points for the indignant "Ummmm!"
  7. Static
    Here he turns the whole "source close to" thing on its head. You see, he's referring to himself. Perhaps the source CLOSEST to Rubio.
  8. Static
    This one is weird.
  9. Static
    This one is weirder.
  10. Static
    Yes! Like when you put a human under sedation to replace their nervous system with a robotic operating system, you need to introduce it slowly!
  11. Static
    This could be a subtle reference to Donald Trump. But I'm just taking it as a promise that he will in fact be a private citizen and never be president, which is the best news I've heard in months.