WE PREDICT THE PRESIDENTIAL SCANDALS OF EACH OF THE 2016 CANDIDATES
The South Carolina Primary is just over a week away! It will quickly be followed by the Nevada caucuses, and then Super Tuesday. We here have used our forecasting tech to predict what the major scandals of each candidate's presidency would be if they were elected. Let's take a look!
- •Jeb BushBush will be publicly castigated after crying on national TV after Bill Maher calls him "an idiot."
- •Ben CarsonCarson will face months of Senate hearings after authorizing a drone strike to take care of that cousin of his once and for all.
- •Hillary ClintonSidney Blumenthal's death squads will become impossible to rein in. She will be forced to use the military to control a monster of her own creation.
- •Ted CruzHis incredible personal detestability will make steadfast enemies out of longterm allies. All of the world's military forces will combine to "rub it in his smug, ugly face."
- •John KasichAfter attempting to put the entire University of Michigan offensive line in Guantanamo, Kasich will be forced to concede that he abused the power of the presidency. His likeness will, however, be put on the Ohio state flag.
- •Marco RubioIt will come to light that half of the residents of Florida below the age of 25 are his illegitimate children.
- •Bernie SandersBreadlines.
- •Donald TrumpI don't know. It seems like nothing this guy can say or do will upset anyone.