On Tuesday February 9, 2016, the New Hampshire primaries will bring us one agonizingly small day closer to choosing a new president. Here is the outcome each of the candidates needs to declare the primary a victory.
  1. Jeb Bush
    Jeb Bush needs at least a strong third place showing in the polls. He also needs, through some bizarre electoral error, Kasich, Christie, and Rubio to all be sentenced to death.
  2. Ben Carson
    He needs to not miss his cues and for none of his opponents to tell people he dropped out.
  3. Chris Christie
    He needs to drop out, endorse a candidate, become their VP, and hope they die pretty early into their term.
  4. Hillary Clinton
    She has to hope that between now and when the polls open that the Vermont/New Hampshire rivalry turns violent.
  5. Ted Cruz
    He needs the godless heathens of New Hampshire to see the light of Jesus.
  6. Carly Fiorina
    Do these backwoods hicks even have computers yet? I'm pretty sure she has no hope.
  7. John Kasich
    Expectations are high for the Ohio governor for some goddamn reason. He needs a second place or strong third place showing, Jeb to explode after a devastating Trump diss, and Granite State voters' well-documented fear of robots to turn them away from Rubio.
  8. Marco Rubio
    After his disastrous debate performance, he just needs to reveal his true form as a horrible terror-bot designed to enslave man. Like Machiavelli said, it's better to be feared than loved.
  9. Bernie Sanders
    Sanders also suffers from bizarrely high expectations. He needs a very strong showing in New Hampshire and for nothing bad to happen in the rest of the world for the next nine years.
  10. Donald Trump
    He really needs someone to CRUSH him in New Hampshire so he finally has an excuse to get out of this thing once and for all.