WHAT EACH CANDIDATE NEEDS TO DO IN NEW HAMPSHIRE
On Tuesday February 9, 2016, the New Hampshire primaries will bring us one agonizingly small day closer to choosing a new president. Here is the outcome each of the candidates needs to declare the primary a victory.
- •Jeb BushJeb Bush needs at least a strong third place showing in the polls. He also needs, through some bizarre electoral error, Kasich, Christie, and Rubio to all be sentenced to death.
- •Ben CarsonHe needs to not miss his cues and for none of his opponents to tell people he dropped out.
- •Chris ChristieHe needs to drop out, endorse a candidate, become their VP, and hope they die pretty early into their term.
- •Hillary ClintonShe has to hope that between now and when the polls open that the Vermont/New Hampshire rivalry turns violent.
- •Ted CruzHe needs the godless heathens of New Hampshire to see the light of Jesus.
- •Carly FiorinaDo these backwoods hicks even have computers yet? I'm pretty sure she has no hope.
- •John KasichExpectations are high for the Ohio governor for some goddamn reason. He needs a second place or strong third place showing, Jeb to explode after a devastating Trump diss, and Granite State voters' well-documented fear of robots to turn them away from Rubio.
- •Marco RubioAfter his disastrous debate performance, he just needs to reveal his true form as a horrible terror-bot designed to enslave man. Like Machiavelli said, it's better to be feared than loved.
- •Bernie SandersSanders also suffers from bizarrely high expectations. He needs a very strong showing in New Hampshire and for nothing bad to happen in the rest of the world for the next nine years.
- •Donald TrumpHe really needs someone to CRUSH him in New Hampshire so he finally has an excuse to get out of this thing once and for all.