WHAT EACH OF THE GOP CANDIDATES NEEDS OUT OF NEVADA

Tomorrow, Nevada republicans will caucus to assign their primary delegates. As we have seen this whole election season, nothing makes sense and we no longer deserve democracy. But until we are justly subjugated by our malevolent overlords, we still have to do this dumb primary. Here's what each GOP candidates needs.
  1. Ben Carson
    He needs a bunch of people who were supporting Jeb Bush to just have been picking alphabetically.
  2. Ted Cruz
    While the average voter would not know how unpleasant Ted Cruz is to be around, they definitely DO know how unpleasant he is to look at. He needs to pull any advertising with his horrifying visage.
  3. John Kasich
    Nevada is not a state overwhelmingly populated by chubby old white people. Some people will see him and be reminded of Jeb, voting for him out of subconscious pity.
  4. Marco Rubio
    As long as they backed up his memory to an external drive after South Carolina, he should do well here. We say should because if he doesn't, he should drop out.
  5. Donald Trump
    He's going to win. You guys understand this, right? Our democracy is meaningless.