WHAT EACH PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE NEEDS TO HAPPEN ON SUPER TUEADAY

Tuesday March 1, 2016 is primary day for about a billion states. It will prove to be a real make or break moment for all of the campaigns, though some can afford to take more of a hit than others. Let's see what each candidate needs in order to come out of Super Tuesday relatively unscathed.
  1. Ben Carson
    If he keeps forgetting that he's running for president, this campaign can go on forever. Expect him to legitimately forget about the campaign and be jostled awake from a nap to head to the convention and accept the party's nomination.
  2. Hillary Clinton
    At this point, every state she loses should be considered a colossal embarrassment. She needs to run the table in the southern states and for the buzz to fade and all these dirty hippies to cut their hair, and get real jobs. If nothing else, she's going to have to rely on the moderate democrat's best friend: voter apathy among young voters.
  3. Ted Cruz
    Can this garbage monster's religious faith and steadfast conservatism distract voters from his intense personal detestability? Probably not. He's expected to do well in states where folks vote with their crucifixes, so he needs them to be more afraid of "New York Values" than they are of "ugly cave monsters."
  4. John Kasich
    He's gonna have to pack his bags and head back to the governor's mud hut in Columbus if he can't manage to at least win in the industrial Midwest. But he won't. He might pull in some victories in blue states. But there are three dudes in the room yelling a lot louder than he is, and one dude napping in the corner. Hopefully for Kasich, the stress and physical strain of yelling kill all three serious candidates on Tuesday.
  5. Marco Rubio
    You can almost imagine feeling sorry for Rubio. But then you consider how slimy and detestable he is and those feelings disappear. He needs to win, and I mean actually WIN a lot of states. Finishing in second was barely a feat last week, and now it will be even less of one. So if he can keep details about his secret family suppressed, work out any programming glitches in his software, and like just get people to vote for him, he'll he okay.
  6. Bernie Sanders
    Bernie needs to make sure that his support base can lay off the Humboldt County goo-balls long enough to get to their polling places. Also, when they start feeling the Bern, they'd better reach for Aloe Vera and not their specially "medicated" lotion.
  7. Donald Trump
    Since dropping out of the race, Jeb Bush has spent his time doing two things: lifting weights and polishing his "America" gun. So when a dark, hooded figure approaches the Donald at a rally on Tuesday, the billionaire real estate mogul will need to sustain a non-lethal gunshot wound and cement himself as an heroic almost-martyr.