WHAT THE REPUBLICAN CANDIDATES NEED TO HAPPEN AT THE SC PRIMARY

On Saturday February 20, 2016, South Carolina's republican voters will get to make their voices heard about what direction they'd like this ridiculous circus to take. Here's the ideal outcome for each of the candidates!
  1. Jeb Bush
    Many belief systems will tell you that when you see an animal struggling with no hope of survival, you are morally obligated to put it out of its misery. Jeb! needs a gunshot to the base of his skull which I've heard is a quick and relatively painless way out.
  2. Ben Carson
    He needs it to be that couple of days last fall when he was leading in the polls forever.
  3. Ted Cruz
    Senator Cruz needs his profound religious faith to really strike a chord with South Carolina's religious right because pretty much the only other notable thing about him is how much everyone he has ever met hates him.
  4. John Kasich
    Kasich needs a significant percentage of South Carolina's republican voters to have been vacationing in New Hampshire earlier this winter.
  5. Marco Rubio
    Anything less than a third place finish in South Carolina will be a Jeb!-like embarrassment. He'll also probably need a software update and to have some new drivers installed. New Hampshire seems to have fried his motherboard.
  6. Donald Trump
    The Donald just needs to go a few more hours without a major religious figure deriding him and his campaign.