WHAT TO EXPECT AT TONIGHT'S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS

Tonight, President Barack Obama will deliver his final State of the Union address to a joint session of congress. Here are some of the points you can expect him to touch on.
  1. Who really killed Hae Min Lee
    One of the responsibilities of the President is to act as the nation's highest ranking law enforcement officer, so, over the past year, Obama has put all of his investigative energy into answering one of the burning questions of 2015 "who killed Hae Min Lee?" While our sources couldn't provide a definite answer, they can confirm that it is NOT someone you would expect. Our guess: Ira Glass!
  2. A plea to Zayn to rejoin One Direction
    Probably the greatest blemish on Obama's presidency has been the acrimonious split of Zayn Malik from British pop sensations, One Direction on March 25, 2015. Nine months is too long for the world to go on with an incomplete 1D!
  3. Star Wars: The Force Awakens spoilers
    It's been a long and contentious seven years for Mr. Obama, and, frankly, he's sick of your shit. So, tonight he intends to reveal the pivotal plot point from the new Star Wars film. If you haven't seen it yet, we recommend doing so today, or skipping the speech!
  4. Common sense policy proposals that the GOP will present to its constituents in such a way to stoke fear and confusion
    Calls for expanding background checks for gun purchases to private sales and online marketplaces will be presented as infringing on second amendment rights. Suggesting we build a coalition led primarily by Sunni Arabs to combat ISIS will be seen as rejecting America's role as a global leader. Hell, even recommending you wash your hands and cover your mouth and nose when you cough during flu season will be considered the government meddling in private individual affairs.
  5. 2016 Presidential Endorsement
    While it may be a little bit of a faux pas to announce his endorsement before the primaries, we have been told to expect a shocking endorsement from the president this evening. While we can't tell you who it is, we can certainly give some clues. This person is a bit of an outsider, with a lot of buzz in the media, whose name rhymes with Schmeven Schmavery from Schmaking a Schmurderer.