Where it All Went Wrong for 2016's Also-Rans

Guys, it's been fun, but we're achingly close to the end of primary season. 23 combatants entered. 3 remain. Let's take a look at where everything went wrong for the soon-to-be forgotten 20 losers.
  1. Jeb Bush
  2. Ben Carson
    Basically the second his candidacy was looked at with any sort of scrutiny.
  3. Lincoln Chafee
    When Sidney Blumenthal broke his knees after the first democratic debate.
  4. Chris Christie
    Probably also birth.
  5. Ted Cruz
    When he left that flaming bag of dog poop on a witch's porch and was cursed to forever carry the visage of a flaming dog poop.
  6. Carly Fiorina
    Back in 2001 when my printer ran out of toner.
  7. Jim Gilmore
    Some say he never even ran in the first place.
  8. Lindsey Graham
    Probably when he swore Bay'at to Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi and the global caliphate.
  9. Mike Huckabee
    One of the country bear jamboree bears broke down, and he's the only one who knows all their lines.
  10. Bobby Jindal
    His conversion to Catholicism.
  11. John Kasich
    When he didn't save that person from drowning even though Phil Collins was right there watching.
  12. Lawrence Lessig
    When he bought those glasses.
  13. Martin O'Malley
    When Sidney Blumenthal broke his knees after the Iowa Caucuses.
  14. George Pataki
    When we all realized he wasn't Helga's dad.
  15. Rand Paul
    Also birth.
  16. Rick Perry
    Some time in 2012.
  17. Marco Rubio
    When they rushed his firmware upgrade in New Hampshire.
  18. Rick Santorum
    When people googled his name.
  19. Scott Walker
    When he joined Jabhat al-Nusra.
  20. Jim Webb
    When Sidney Blumenthal attempted to break his knees after the first democratic debate, but he shanked him in the gut, whispering "say hi to my Vietnamese friends for me." He subsequently decided it wasn't going to be as fun to kill people with the power of the presidency behind him. Also Sidney Blumenthal is an Old One and will never die.