TRUE FACTS ABOUT MY BAR MITZVAH

I was a very...specific kid and no, my parents weren't in "the industry."
  1. The theme: The Director's Guild of America
    Not Hollywood. Not "Movies." The DGA
  2. Each table was a different director
    I sat at the Spielberg table (naturally...) but they got very specific and ranged from Hitchcock to Francois Truffaut to Jay Roach. My parents didn't understand. The guests didn't either.
  3. I entered the party to a dance remix of the Jurassic Park theme song which dissolved into Beyoncé and Jay-Z's "Crazy in Love" (THE top jam at the time).
  4. I was not sexually active or out of the closet at this point of time
    I did use a lot of gel
  5. In-fact, I looked like this:
    My childhood headshot
  6. ^Said photo^ was photoshopped horribly into THIS Annie Leibovitz photo to serve as the "signing board."
    None of my 13 year old friends understood. One asked me if my theme was "old Jewish dudes." Said relic is now wilting in my parent's Encino garage.
  7. None of the people who I can now claim as my closest friends even came
    I didn't even invite @officialseanpenn because I thought she was a troublemaker. @shawn was there though.
  8. I specifically told the DJ "no slow songs"
    Didn't want to ruin the vibe, you know? (Read: didn't know how to slow dance as a closet case)
  9. All the cool kids at my middle school left an hour or so into it.
    My parents and their friends, on the other hand, got trashed.