RESTROOM HAND DRYERS RANKED

  1. 1.
    Dyson Air Blade
    The Dyson Air Blade will not actually chop your hands off. Nothing provides a speedier or sexier dry. A cool blast of air that soothes and massages the wet skin. Other dryers are dull breaths to the Blade.
  2. 2.
    Xcelerator
    This machine employs brute force to melt your hand into dryness. Your feeble hand-skin dances within the vortex.
  3. 3.
    The Push Button
    A classic. Throwback to the golden years. Before the age of automation. Pure middle school bathroom nostalgia. What it lacks in design it makes up for in gratification. Push it. Push it real good.
  4. 4.
    ExtremeAir
    Misleading name. More like LacklusterAir. Confusing instructional graphic. Waving ones hands will not produce 8 strips of surrounding bacon.
  5. 5.
    The Mitsubishi Jet Towel
    Mitsubishi is Japanese for "we produce all things." A (disappointing) replica of the Air Blade. Cracks the Top 5 mainly because I can't think of any other ones.