AWESOME THINGS MY MOM DID WHEN I WAS A KID
- •Brought our pastor into a school board meeting when a bunch of ignorami (word?) were trying to ban "A Wrinkle in Time" from our 4th grade reading list.He calmly told the pack of lunatics that it wasn't an anti-Christian text and, were Jesus in a position to do so, he probably would have gladly teamed up with Ghandi and Einstein in the fight against evil.
- •Told my best friend's adorably titillated mom that we should "fuck 'em and leave 'em in the dust" when we cried about being snubbed by 8th grade boys
- •Made fettuccini alfredo like a boss
- •Busted an old lady who told her my Muslim father was going to hell by telling her "Really? Is your God that small? Because mine isn't."
- •Let me brush her impossibly long blonde hairAnd told me every day that I was beautiful when I went to sleep every night wishing I could wake up and look like her and not like a swarthy Pakistani kid
- •Danced in the aisles at grocery stores when a good jam came on
- •Turned her Teutonic death stare on anybody who told her to "act like a lady"