AWESOME THINGS MY MOM DID WHEN I WAS A KID

  1. Brought our pastor into a school board meeting when a bunch of ignorami (word?) were trying to ban "A Wrinkle in Time" from our 4th grade reading list.
    He calmly told the pack of lunatics that it wasn't an anti-Christian text and, were Jesus in a position to do so, he probably would have gladly teamed up with Ghandi and Einstein in the fight against evil.
  2. Told my best friend's adorably titillated mom that we should "fuck 'em and leave 'em in the dust" when we cried about being snubbed by 8th grade boys
  3. Made fettuccini alfredo like a boss
  4. Busted an old lady who told her my Muslim father was going to hell by telling her "Really? Is your God that small? Because mine isn't."
  5. Let me brush her impossibly long blonde hair
    And told me every day that I was beautiful when I went to sleep every night wishing I could wake up and look like her and not like a swarthy Pakistani kid
  6. Danced in the aisles at grocery stores when a good jam came on
  7. Turned her Teutonic death stare on anybody who told her to "act like a lady"