I just gave a keynote speech at a business conference for young women. Now I am drinking tequila and writing this list
  1. Practice giving imaginary speech every time you're in the shower for weeks before. Imagine killing it with imaginary speech.
    But never write it down bc "how hard can writing an hour-long speech be?"
  2. Attempt to write a first draft. Realize you have no idea what you are supposed to write.
  3. Ask organizer for guidance on the topic
    Hear back "just be inspiring"
  4. Cry
  5. Google "what is keynote speech"
  6. Block out entire day to write speech but spend most of it looking at YouTube videos of other people's speeches
    Note: "From limbless to limitless" is worth your time
  7. Tell everyone who will listen that you are unqualified to give speech and signing up for speech was worst decision you ever made
    i.e. be such real fun to be around
  8. Write speech the day before. Record self giving speech on iPhone voice memo app. Listen over and over to self giving speech. Die inside all the time.
  9. Stay up until 3:30am the night before writing speech on index cards with pretty pen. Imagine this is not how Sheryl Sandberg gives speeches
  10. Wake up brush teeth comb hair put on dress drink largest coffee that has ever been poured into vessel
  11. Give speech
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  12. Cry
    But of happiness and gratitude that speech was ok and it's over and because organizer said you killed it and hugged you really tight after
  13. Relax
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