1. You're a typical teenager if all typical teenagers were also model pretty.
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  2. You are on a journey that is spiritual, existential, and tiresome.
    Local
  3. You disapprove of how your parents make a living (see #2).
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  4. The possibility and/or fact that you have an eating disorder will come up occasionally and then be forgotten.
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  5. "Can we just have a nice family dinner?" Not if you're around!
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  6. You will fall in love with the wrong sort of boy. Options include: a teacher, a mobster, a certified psychopath, that guy who's "just not looking for anything serious right now," and King Joffrey.
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  7. You will commit a misdemeanor.
    Static
  8. But no matter what happens, you're getting into an Ivy League school.
    Static
    Or two (see: #7).