Texts The Things in My Apartment Would Send Me

  1. Bed: "U still up? Don't pretend u don't want me."
  2. Oven: "Hey girl! 😃 How are you? I know it's been a while but I had such a great time the last time we hung out! 🍪 We should do it again sometime! 🙏 Anytime this week is good - just give me a twenty minute head's up so I'm extra hot for you! 😉"
  3. Microwave: "Ya I cn b ready whenevz"
  4. Some book by David Foster Wallace: "I cannot help but observe that you display me or 'keep me around' as it were to impress your friends and/or visiting family members yet you show little interest in engaging with me as evidenced by the dust accruing on exterior..."
  5. Drippy faucet: "Hi" "Hi" "Hey" "Hi" "Sup" "U up?" "Hi" "How bout now?" "Now?" "Now?" "Hi"
  6. Shower: "Get over here, dirty girl"