1. Xanax
    For not lying awake at midnight with racing thoughts, for not smashing things in a fit of rage
  2. Ortho Tri-Cyclen
    For not getting pregnant, for not getting cancer, for not getting blood on your favorite jeans
  3. Flexeril
    For the back spasm that has (resisted) everything, for sleeping on planes without fear of pulling any weird Ambien stunts