THINGS I AM THEORETICALLY AMAZING AT DOING

  1. Writing novels
    When I was a kid, before I discovered The Sims circa 2000, my time was spent filling hundreds of poundland animal print notebooks with stories. Come the dawn of technology, I rarely write fiction, but in my head I am a best selling author.
  2. Dressmaking
    I own about 20 dressmaking patterns and lots of sewing magazines and a sewing machine. To date, I have made half a clutch bag and an awful mangled Peter Pan collar. But please, keep the sewing gifts coming, because I am a fashion designer in the making.
  3. Diet and Fitness
    If thinking about diet and fitness burnt calories, I would be a size 6. Unfortunately it doesn't and I'm an overweight office worker with chronic pain and medication that causes weight gain. But I can perfectly explain the positives and negatives of ketosis and tell you ideal meal plans, even though I'm currently in bed recovering from surgery after eating chocolate digestives on the sofa.
  4. Dancing
    I only dance when I am drunk. Therefore I am happy to remain in denial that I don't look like a happy seal on the dance floor and I actually look banging.