WHAT TO MAKE FOR DESSERT WHEN YOUR SISTER COMES TO DINNER SO SHE'LL YELL AT YOU FOR RUINING HER DIET

  1. Put a package of cream cheese in the food processor.
  2. And an egg
  3. Not the shell though. That goes in the compost.
  4. Our compost is in a coffee can.
  5. Then it goes out to the heap in the corner of the back yard.
  6. Back to dessert. Add some sugar-1/2 cup maybe? I usually don't measure that carefully.
  7. And the zest of an orange.
    I'd like to say I use a fancy microplane zester, but I just use the small holes on the box grater. I'd also like to say that's an organic orange with a peel I cleaned carefully, so I'm going to say that, but it's not.
  8. Then add the juice of the orange to the processor. I only used half the juice because it was a big orange. Sometimes I use a lemon or even a lime or some almond extract. The most important part of this recipe is not having to go to the store.
  9. Whir it all up until it looks like this.
  10. Then you need half a package (one roll) of phyllo dough. It needs to be thawed. If you try to use it straight from the freezer it will break and make you so angry that you decide your sister doesn't even deserve dessert.
  11. Also you'll need a stick of butter. Yes, it has to be butter. No, you don't need the pen or the Reach magazine with the tiger on the front.
  12. Melt the butter. I microwaved mine, but maybe the heat of your gaze is enough. Whatever works for you.
  13. Also you'll need a little pastry brush.
    I'd like to say that this one is dedicated to pastry and I use a different one to put barbecue sauce on raw chicken, so I will say that, but you probably shouldn't believe me.
  14. Get a piece of parchment paper.
  15. Put it on your cookie sheet. Mine was a little too big.
    Oh shit! Did I tell you to preheat your oven? No? Ok, go do that. 375 degrees. I'll wait.
  16. Ok good, you're back! Brush some butter on your parchment.
  17. Unroll your phyllo dough sheets.
    I'd like to say I'm working quickly and covering with a damp paper towel as I work so they don't dry out, but I won't say it, because I REALLY am not doing that.
  18. Put down a couple sheets, brush with butter, put down a couple more, offset from the first two, brush some more butter.
  19. Every few layers I sprinkle some sugar in there. Sometimes I don't, but usually I do.
  20. Keep going. Sometimes your sheets break and it gets messy and you think it won't work but it will.
    Any actual chefs just, you shouldn't be reading this, it's just entertainment, it'll still work fine you guys.
  21. Ok I'm rubbish at this because I forgot to take a picture of me finishing the dough(just keep going until you're out of dough sheets and only have a little butter left.
    Then take your filling with the orange zest and dump it in a circle in the middle of the dough. I forgot to take a picture of that while I wasn't licking the filling out of the food processor because there's a blade and a raw egg in there.
  22. Then dump on a pint of blueberries. I've used cherry pie filling too which is really good and makes a cherry cheesecake-ish tart vibe that's delicious. But this one is blueberry.
  23. Put the blueberry containers in the recycling crate underneath the table. If you're lucky, it's someone else's job to empty this since you make all the desserts.
  24. Fold one edge partway over the filling.
  25. Keep going, overlapping the first fold. It's going to look messy, but messy isn't the technical term we want to use. It's going to look RUSTIC, folks, and rustic is delicious.
  26. Keep going all around and tucking things in until it looks like this.
  27. Put the last little bit of melted reserved butter on top if you remembered to reserve some and didn't put the bowl in the sink already while absolutely not licking out the food processor. Sprinkle some sugar on top. This is a good place for fancy sugar if you have some but I was too lazy. Regular old granulated sugar works fine.
  28. Bake for 35 minutes or so.
  29. It can be served warm or cold but I usually let it sit for an hour or so at least so it's not burning hot cheesecake filling and running everywhere.
    Plus it's easier to cut.
  30. Also you should make a salad for dinner because there's a whole stick of butter and a whole package of cream cheese in there and your family will probably eat it all.