WHY I THOUGHT MY SON HAD ALIEN DNA AT BIRTH

Here you go @BWN_7 👽👽👽👽
  1. •
    People like to scare pregnant women.
    You'll never get rid of those stretch marks. You'll never get rid of the baby weight. Your boobs will never be the same. You'll never sleep again.
  2. •
    But also
    The first one always takes a long time, you'll be in labor for 30 hours. It's the worst pain you can imagine. The first baby is always late.
  3. •
    You're huge! Are you sure you aren't having twins???
    This one is my favorite.
  4. •
    They never warn you that you might be having an alien. 🚀👽
  5. •
    It's my due date and I've gained 80 lbs.(80!!!) and I'm ready for this baby to be O.U.T.
    Maybe I deserve this twins comment...*insertshruggyhere
  6. •
    It's January 31st, cold and wintry, so I'm trying to walk this baby out in my tiny, one bedroom apartment.
    I'm also 1000 degrees, so I haven't needed to wear a coat all winter and it doesn't bother me at all that my 1986 Plymouth Horizon needs to hit a specific pothole in a specific way while traveling 38 mph for the heater blower to kick on.
  7. •
    I've turned into a clean freak the past few weeks, so the apartment is sparkling.
    But there is nothing left to clean. Nothing to do but walk and walk and walk. I stop to eat some tacos about 7PM-This is a mistake that has no real bearing on this story and will not be mentioned again, but Don't Do This!
  8. •
    I finally wear myself out and fall asleep about 2AM
  9. •
    And an unfamiliar pain wakes me at 9 the next day.
    It's not too painful, but it's pretty regular so we head to the hospital.
  10. •
    I drive
    It's what I do. Plus contractions aren't that bad???
  11. •
    I get to the hospital and get my epidural right away.
  12. •
    And promptly fall asleep
    This is too easy. Something weird and otherworldly must be going on. Where is the pain and the unbearable waiting?
  13. •
    A nurse wakes me up and tells me it's time to push so I say ok and put my feet up where they want them and scoot down a bit and push a few times and he's out!
  14. •
    The doctor puts him on my stomach.
  15. •
    And he's COVERED in this greenish blackish goo.
  16. •
    And even though I find out later that he's 9 lbs. 9 oz. he's not fat at all, just very long with freakishly long, attenuated arms and legs.
  17. •
    And DON'T FORGET COVERED IN GREEN GOO!!!!
  18. •
    And I'm only 18 and I didn't read those baby books my mom got me and I'm on drugs and this green baby is flailing around on my stomach...
    And then the nurse looks at him and whisks him away and doesn't tell me anything and all I can think is...
  19. •
    👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽ALIEN BABY🤔😳😱👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽👽
  20. •
    Nope. He had just pooped in my amniotic fluid. It was probably the tacos. 🌮🌮🌮