Trying to get *paid* before I start my *job*. So I poured drinks for a small, "fox-themed" wedding for 9 hours. Here are my thoughts
  1. I was that chunky preteen with the badazzled flower in her hair, sucking down ginger ales, trying to get in the wedding pictures. I was her.
    Except Kendra would have cut me off after one sugary drink and she would have removed me from the event if I dipped my hand in marshmallow and pretended to touch the wedding dress
  2. They have a Ramona Singer. They know they have a Ramona Singer, right? Most people don't need their own reserved large bottle of Pinot Grigio at a wedding
  3. The mother of the groom is wearing that ridiculous, gauzy midnight blue almost-ballgown to outshine the bride and she is failing miserably
  4. Oh! Nope! That dress is for the benefit of her ex-husband's new wife. Who is in a sweater set and color-scheme-matching slacks. The new wife wins handily.
  5. No sir, I am not "judging you." But your wife does not look like she's enjoying watching you suck down 9 rum and cokes in 2 hours
  6. Okay guy who complained about the lack of gin at the bar we didn't stock. Go ahead and drink an entire bottle of red wine and then switch to scotch on the rocks. Your hangover will be the stuff of legend
  7. They're tinkling their glasses for either speeches or a kiss. The bride is not happy about either (?). This is hysterical
  8. 8 beers in 90 minutes is too many beers dude
  9. Their signature drink is absolutely disgusting and not more than 2 people will order it.
    I over-estimated it. It was one. The bride didn't even drink it.
  10. The groom's half brother with the transitions lenses and poor posture is either going to be a serial killer or a comedian
  11. Why is wedding cake always disgusting?
    Thought while shoving down some leftovers on a 2 minute break after 7 hours
  12. Table 10 might spontaneously catch fire based on the looks they're getting for talking through the first dance
  13. This wedding DJ is the fucking best. Love Shack followed by Play that Funky Music White Boy? I'm putting my deposit down now.
  14. The maid of honor's boyfriend can GET IT
  15. Her father's speech is bizarre... And sexist?... And not really about her?... SO WHY AM I TEARING UP?
    *To groom*: "Just like the Blue Light Special at Walmart, there are no returns"
  16. The bride's sister's eyebrows are unacceptable. Absolutely not okay
    I always have thoughts about eyebrows. And it's clear that she plucked them into stunted half moons
  17. There are only 3 single dudes for the garter toss. They look so uncomfortable and put-upon. THIS IS SO SUBVERSIVE.
  18. Oh shit. I forgot the name of the catering company. Someone just asked. I'm going to be fired so fast. This is a HUGE mistake.
  19. I don't care if there is a pond with a canoe, 7 thousand dollars is way too much to spend on this wedding venue of: a rural barn
  20. The mother of the bride came to WIN. Taking off the pink heels to replace them with identical flats? Killing it
  21. Someone take the chunky preteen home. She's a fucking disaster.
  22. 14 people didn't show. I would send them invoices for $80 a pop. I would do it.
  23. There are only 10 people under the age of 50 here. We are going to get off early.
  24. These older folks are trying to get SMASHED tonight. Go lady in the little black dress. Get down on the floor with your 10th glass of wine.
  25. The pregnant employee's feet don't hurt as much as mine do. This is a problem.
  26. There is a very high concentration of exceptionally mediocre looking people here.
    A SEA of man bangs
  27. Oh! I love her hair thing!!
  28. Writing this list in my head is really helping me pass the time and ignore my throbbing feet.
  29. I give it 2 years. He's not even dancing with his bride.
  30. I'm going to have a drink myself. Vodka cranberry? Enjoy that drink, me.