HOW TO TELL IF YOU'RE SICK

This is a universally relatable list
  1. Call your best friend. Open your mouth. Lack the ability to talk. Croak out "I apparently have bronchitis" after she says "You called me"
    You didn't notice before because you isolated in your apartment and didn't talk out loud for 6 hours. You thought it was a simple cough
  2. Require baths that are so hot your skin steams just to breathe
    Think not so sarcastically "this might cause brain damage." Followed by "it's worth it."
  3. Sleep until 6pm. Then email your Professor in a fog giving way too many details of your condition
    Mention your "honeymoon phase" of returning to the Virginia allergy region has ended. Say you need antibiotics and "maybe steroids (it's bad)"
  4. Treat Afrin with such reverence you wonder if you'll ever experience feelings like this for a human being
  5. Text your mother at 7pm asking for the new insurance. Spend an hour convincing her you're not going to the ER because she's an actual cliché
  6. Drift in and out of sleep to 3 seasons of "Rupaul's Drag Race"
  7. Become extremely sensitive and text 3 friends asking if the girl who texted you "Did you email the professor?" is MAD AT YOU
  8. Become so weak you can't get up to eat. BUT - Don't try to heat up canned soup in the aforementioned hot bathtub this time because people had such a negative reaction last time
  9. Suck down Advil so you can make it to your Criminal Procedure class because for the first time in nearly 2 years of law school you're actually going to discuss current events
    No Amanda Knox. No Boston Bomber (even though some of my professors are his council). I have to be there because I just know one of the privileged, out-of-touch douchebags will try to play "Devil's advocate" re: the Charleston shooting. Ilya will say "I would argue [insert offensive comment]" and I HAVE to be there to shut him down
  10. Write this list at 6am to distract yourself from the reality of tomorrow and the requirement that you engage in it
  11. Watch "50 First Dates." Happily realize that not even the fog of a tooth-hurting sinus infection can make your comedic sensibilities revert back to 2004/13-year-old status