MOST HORRIFIC (FORMER) FRIENDS I'VE HAD
Bless @joakes for requesting this. I feel like List App has taken a 100 pound weight off my shoulders. Existing/friending is hard. Middle school did suck. Law school is also bad. UCSD was totally rad.
- •Virginia - Babysitter friend: babysitter's daughterKendra was working 10-12 hours a day at this point. She picked me from the sitter when I was ~9 months to find bloody scratches all over my face. It was the babysitter's shitty daughter. She had to talk my biological dad out of in-person terrorizing that family THAT VERY SECOND
- •Virginia - Montessori School friend: KatShe had pretty serious mental illnesses at a young age compounded by abandonment issues from her father. But she was socially inappropriate and I had to cut her loose.
- •Virginia - Elementary School friend: AmandaShe was all kinds of messed up. She was the kind of pathological liar who claimed her dad had climbed a tree with her in a backpack and dropped her from the top branch when she was an infant. The one time she spent the night at my house, she tried to pretended she was a cat and attempted to attack my stepsiblings. 10+ years later and I still can't live this down.
- •North Carolina - Elementary School friend: KelseyShe confided in me that her doctor said she would get her period early and then immediately turned on me because she was embarrassed. JOKE IS ON HER BECAUSE WE ALL HAVE OUR PERIOD AND HER EVIL TREATMENT OF ME FOR 2 YEARS MADE ME THE COMEDIC GENIUS I AM TODAY.
- •North Carolina - Middle School friend: MeaghanYes, I am spelling that correctly. She introduced me to "cyber bullying" the multiple times she had sleepovers and "anonymously instant messaged" me, calling me a "fat-ass." Her mother was a youth psychiatrist and was absolutely horrified when my mother called to put a stop to it.
- •North Carolina - Middle School friend: KarenMy mother never gave me money for fries so I stole hers. Which I KNOW is not cool. But it was really hard to even look at her after I saw her dad at the "Palms" restaurant, cheating on her mom with his secretary. Bless my parents for having no filter and affirming my observations.
- •North Carolina - Middle School friend: MeganShe was the key to the popular kingdom. But her utter lack of any sort of intelligence, along with the way she painted her nails with White-Out in class, made it not worth it. Thank god I moved...
- •California - Middle School friend: JennaThe terrible friend to beget all terrible friends. She terrorized and prank called me during my last visit with my favorite human being to ever live, my maternal grandfather, before the cancer spread to his brain and he passed. She also had her coward brother prank call me 18 months after that on New Years Eve, to tell me I was a "BITCH". She stopped after I went up to her to say "Next time you should have the guts to leave your caller ID on so I can respond to your nasty messages" THE BEGINNING
- •California - High School friend: CarynShe was an instant close friend who I thought would last forever. My parents drove her everywhere. My dad gave her a job. I talked her through a break up. She immediately dumped me for Jenna (👆) the second they were teamed up as lab partners. She knew everything Jenna had done and was just being a bitch. She rang me up at the grocery store a few years later and looked pretty apologetic.
- •California - High School friend: CourtnèeSweet girl. I was grossed out by the purity ring her dad gave her at age 16. Stopped talking to her when she made us turn back and return to her house because government employees were working on the road. It was daylight. They were Mexican. It was safe. I could connect the dots and I didn't like it.
- •California - High School friend: RoseA lot going on and I wasn't really a great friend. So she hung out with Jenna (👆); I believe to spite me. That's when, UNFORTUNATELY, I began hanging with Aubrey.
- •California - High School/UCSD friend: AubreyThe QUEEN of terrible friends. Made me feel bad for everything. Treated me like a boyfriend she hated... Or just like the boyfriend she hated (now husband she hates). She called me a whore for sitting next to a guy with a girlfriend. She called me selfish for not driving 40 minutes from college to hang out with her EVERY DAY. She called me a liar for going to much nicer friend's Halloween party. She called me self-centered for living with people on campus. I'm rooting against her procreation.
- •Virginia - Law School friend: KirbyShe stole Aubrey's script and called me selfish. I was apparently selfish because I was withdrawn and didn't try to hang out with her? WHY WOULD SHE EVEN WANT TO BE AROUND ME?!?! Also she said "last time you were like this, you were depressed" and I responded "if you think I am depressed is this really appropriate?" Apparently it is. So bye-bye. She also told me I'm doing terribly in school - which is a) not true, b) none of her business, and c) cosmically rude.
- •Virginia - Law School friend: JocelynIf Kendra doesn't think I have a drinking problem, I don't. Calm down. Also it's clear you just want to hang out with your rich boyfriend. That's fine, but don't complain about your new crowd at brunch. I just want waffles and to not hear you talk.