THINGS ABOUT ME I WOULD NOT WANT MY KIDS TO KNOW

Some of these aren't about me, but life generally. I still want to shield their future selves
  1. I do not line-item check my credit card bill
  2. Shoplifting was my preferred method of teenage rebellion. And I was good at it.
  3. Which sperm bank I went to
  4. I wore a Coach "C" wristlet from 2004-2007
  5. Drinking is fun
  6. If you open a Macy's credit card, you can get 20% off that Michael Kors purse
  7. My first kiss was sophomore year of college, at a concert, while I was drunk, to a greasy frat boy I knew in high school. It was not magical.
  8. You can talk your way out of a lot of problems.
  9. If I send you to your room and you send down a paper airplane apology note, I will let you right out.
    Just like my mother did
  10. How few friends I had in high school/law school. And that I cared.
  11. I once said "we should eat children for protein" to prove the point that I didn't want kids
  12. That I'm convinced my genes are a ticking time bomb and any offspring has the potential to just be a blob of hereditary mental illness
  13. In middle school, during a futile attempt to get in with the "popular girls," I made fun of a girl's bad haircut. She was in the bathroom.
  14. College is an amazing, eye-opening, crucial experience - it will probably be prohibitively expensive at that point
  15. Your bed time is an arbitrary time when I can start drinking. It will probably be earlier than your friends.
  16. My life-long obsession with my weight.
  17. You will never forget that embarrassing thing you did when you were 15.
  18. I picked at my pimples too.