THINGS I AM NEVER LENDING AGAIN

The level of presumption in my daily life has reached mass quantity and I can no longer monetarily or emotionally afford to be generous.
  1. Phone chargers
    "Oh it's no big deal, Jennifer has a ton." JENNIFER DOESN'T HAVE A TON, JENNIFER KNOWS HER EMOTIONAL LIMITS AND HAS JUST ENOUGH TO KEEP HER CONSTANTLY PLUGGED IN. Also they're like $22 dickheads
  2. My time
    Just because you theoretically have access to me 24/7 does not mean you are entitled to me 24/7. And if you are going to send me "??" if I don't text you back within 2 hours, I'm going to assume you are my personal assistant and demand you get me a Cafe Americano
  3. Sunglasses
    My eyes are BLUE and SENSITIVE and I spend TIME finding frames that FLATTER my ROUND head. Hand back the $18 ASOS glasses
  4. Bottles of lotion
    Staying hydrated is important to you? I wouldn't know because all my lotion gets pilfered the second I get back from CVS
  5. Liquor
    I need it.
  6. DVDs
    "Jennifer is so quaint. She still buys DVDs. And she has so many! Let me just borrow this copy of "Steel Magnolias" and never give it back/sell it on Amazon because these movies aren't like her friends/siblings/children or anything. She's totally emotionally stable and can handle me stealing this."
  7. Umbrellas
    I am sick of buying emergency shitty, overpriced barely-brellas because people weren't raised right.
  8. Books
    "This looks interesting. I bet Jennifer wants someone to talk about this with. I bet she would lend it to me just to have some more interesting conversations. Let me nod my head a few times, take it, never read it, and never return it"
  9. Hairdryers
    The number of times I have not gotten this particular splurge back has added up to nearly felonious levels of theft. Grand larceny of my good hair days.