WHAT I DID THIS MORNING

My first paid job in my chosen profession begins tomorrow. This is how I chose to spend my last Sunday...
  1. Dry heaved in the kitchen because the lettuce in my salad had gone bad
  2. Had a meltdown in a fitting room.
    Remind me again why yoga pants aren't professional?
  3. Drove past the house I lived in during middle school, smoking a cigarette - to symbolize that I am a grown goddamn adult woman, who can make her own (terrible) life choices
  4. Blasted my "Girl on the Train" audiobook while driving around aimlessly, waiting for the mall to open
    Very real concern that I'm an alcoholic
  5. Had this iPhone fixed because a hairline crack was RUINING MY LIFE
  6. Got blunt bangs so I would stop looking like a "medieval prince" when I put my hair up
    The stylist said he had never heard that one before (no shit, I'm insane) and asked me SEVERAL times if I was "ABSOLUTELY. SURE."?
  7. Immediately began existential crisis over blunt bangs
  8. Bought two new eyeshadows, because now my eyes are "the focal point of my face"
  9. Purchased the bouquet, gift, and card for Mother's Day because I am a massive procrastinator
    I wrote "Don't ever change" and "Have a kickass summer" in her Mother's Day card because I think I'm funny and I'm not
  10. Declared bankruptcy