WORST DATES 1ST DATES... SO FAR

This is my "Leslie Knope trying to make Anne feel better on the way home from Indianapolis after discovering she was dumped" list. Except there is no Anne/Indianapolis motivation. I proffer this as an exorcism of my dating record.
  1. 1.
    The one I thought was a date, but turned out to be a life insurance pitch
    He obviously didn't get my business. And he was clearly bad at his job evidenced by that experience and the fact that he worked for my dad at the car dealership a year later. He had to wait on me and it was incredible, even more than my response to his follow up text: "Sorry I'm not interested in life insurance. I thought it was a date. So yeah. We don't need to meet up again"
  2. 2.
    The one where the guy asked me to give him a blow job in his Toyota Celica halfway through my Caesar salad
    "DON'T BE SO UPSET YOU DO IT" - @minirachel is the single best friend I could ask for. Plus he lost his car. I've never felt so disgusted or disgusting.
  3. 3.
    The one that went really well and involved "touching"... And when he dropped me off he said "See you around"
    It was actually my first 1st date
  4. 4.
    The one where the guy showed me his tattoo and said "it's a tribal" (he was grossly white)
  5. 5.
    The one with the dude who only talked about high school (at age 23), didn't buy my gelato, and then didn't call ME
  6. 6.
    The one that was a 9 am breakfast date with a cigar salesman who still lived with his mom... And only talked about those two things