How to cry

  1. Close door
  2. Make sure no one will need to see you for the next 30-60 minutes depending on how damaged your heart is
  3. Get in comfortable sitting position
  4. Have a bounty of tissues ready and available for use
  5. Think of sad thought
  6. If sad thought does not come, impale yourself with a small object
    Puncture skin just enough that it produces pain, but not too much that medical attention is needed
  7. Produce tears
  8. Wipe away excess tears with tissue
  9. Blow nose when build up of snot occurs
  10. Make weird sporadic breathing noises
  11. Continue this for 10-30 minutes
  12. Use the next 20-30 minutes as a rest period
  13. When emotionally stable, collect yourself in a bathroom in front of mirror
  14. Make sure all signs of mental and emotional distress are gone
    i.e. Put eye drops in eyes, blow nose 7-12 more times, wipe away all remaining tears
  15. Give some self-affirmations
  16. Discard used tissues and all self dignity
  17. Leave bathroom
  18. Continue on with daily activities