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Hulu thought I might like to watch old episodes of Alias. Hulu was right.
  1. I miss this show
  2. Jennifer Garner is AGELESS
  3. Seriously, she hasn't gotten older AT ALL
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  1. Put trash in garbage
  2. Put more trash in garbage
  3. Tamp down garbage with foot in order to fit in additional butter wrappers and banana peels
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For twenty-four hours in August of 2014, I was Miles Freaking Davis. (And then I remembered I was me.)
  1. Look at me, out in the town in NYC with my one famous friend!
  2. And now we're seeing an off-Broadway show where another buddy's in the cast. Badass. This is way more exciting than my life at home in the Chicago suburbs, where I've spent the whole summer driving back and forth to the plant store, while wearing trackpants and listening to Dr. Laura.
  3. Hanging out with the actors after the show? Sure, why not!
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While decorating and listening to the Sirius Holiday Channel, I recorded my husband's running commentary. (Mind you, he LIKES holiday music, so he's not ruining anything for himself.)
  1. "We Need a Little Christmas is the most bipolar song ever. 'Pull out the holly! Immediately! Put up the tree! Right now, goddamn it! Before my spirits fall again!' Dude, RELAX. You know, there's medicine that can fix that for you."
  2. "Pfft, Santa's sleigh and eight reindeer only look tiny because he weighs, like, 500 pounds. Anything would look small next to that."
  3. "Baby, It's Cold Outside - everyone's favorite holiday tune about date rape."
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My husband had a work dinner, so I decided to pick up something at the Fresh Market close to where I dropped him off. These are the items I brought home, in the order I picked them out in the store.
  1. Cranberry, pecan, and feta salad on mixed greens
    Look how virtuous I am. Really, look at me! Is like last week when I stopped at the market after a session with my trainer and then an hour of cardio. I noticed all sorts of other shoppers in the aisles in workout clothes, yet I didn't see ANY of them at the gym. So, yeah, I'm that person now. Clearly I should be rewarded for all my clean living. Maybe with some Neptune salad.
  2. Neptune salad
    I only had coffee for lunch today because I was so busy. That means I have extra calories saved up. I wonder if they have those chewy toffee cookies here?
  3. Chewy toffee cookies
    If I'm going to eat sugar, I should take in more protein with dinner. Don't they carry that nice pimento spread here?
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  1. Fourth of July
  2. Christmas
  3. Easter
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  1. 1.
    Jake Ryan (Michael Schoeffling) in Sixteen Candles
    The gold standard of fantasy 80s boyfriends and a cultural point of reference of every woman in the USA aged 40 to 55. So hot, so iconic, he had to quit the biz to make furniture just to get a little peace. Probably hates birthday cake at this point, too.
  2. 2.
    Bender (Judd Nelson) in Breakfast Club
    That man could flare a nostril like no one's business and he introduced a nation of nice girls to the concept that being bad felt pretty good.
  3. 3.
    Steff (James Spader) in Pretty in Pink
    James Spader was the ultimate bad boy in his Miami Vice suits before he started eating his feelings and things went terribly awry.
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I normally despise Halloween with the fire of 10,000 suns, but this year, I came up with a good idea for a couples' costume - Richie and Margot Tennenbaum. The idea is born of pop culture, takes advantage of Fletch's beard, and gives me entry to the party where I can roll my eyes at all those dressed as sexy trauma surgeons. Win/win.
  1. 1.
    I try it on and realize a $20 wig from Amazon looks better than my actual hair.
  2. 2.
    Pledge to find a new stylist.
  3. 3.
    Give wig to Fletch, who puts it on the pit bull. Also flattering. This is kind of a great wig.
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  1. Habitat for Humidity
  2. Make-a-Salad Foundation
  3. National Suburban League
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You're suburban? Middle-aged? Then you should DEFINITELY hit my mix the next time you do cardio. Approximate play time of 45 minutes, but the feeling of finally being cool for not rocking out to your kid's Taylor Swift downloads will last forever.
  1. Right Above It - Lil Wayne
    With Drake. Best line - "We walk the same path, but got on different shoes."
  2. Hit 'Em Up - 2pac
    Arguably the best of the dis song genre. While I believe No Vaseline is technically better, 2pac is actually dead (supposedly), ergo, he wins.
  3. Why We Thugs - Ice Cube
    Listen to this and then mock Cube for making Are We There Yet, I dare you.
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