MY HUSBAND WILL RUIN CHRISTMAS FOR YOU, ONE SONG AT A TIME
While decorating and listening to the Sirius Holiday Channel, I recorded my husband's running commentary. (Mind you, he LIKES holiday music, so he's not ruining anything for himself.)
- •"We Need a Little Christmas is the most bipolar song ever. 'Pull out the holly! Immediately! Put up the tree! Right now, goddamn it! Before my spirits fall again!' Dude, RELAX. You know, there's medicine that can fix that for you."
- •"Pfft, Santa's sleigh and eight reindeer only look tiny because he weighs, like, 500 pounds. Anything would look small next to that."
- •"Baby, It's Cold Outside - everyone's favorite holiday tune about date rape."
- •"Didn't Bing Crosby used to beat his kids with a bag full of oranges or was that just a Family Guy episode?"
- •"'You had a baby five minutes ago? Then I bet you'd REALLY appreciate a drum solo from the Neal Peart of Bethlehem. Here goes...' Hey, they should remake that movie for modern day and set it here in Chicago on Michigan Ave. They could call it the Little Bucket Drummer Boy."
- •"When Dean Martin sings, 'I brought some corn for popping,' you think he just showed up with, like, eight ears on the cob and everyone was all, 'Aw, Deano, that's not how it works,' but he couldn't hear them because he'd already passed out on their couch?"
- •On second thought, it's really too early to decorate.