THIS IS HOW YOU GET ANTS

  1. Put trash in garbage
  2. Put more trash in garbage
  3. Tamp down garbage with foot in order to fit in additional butter wrappers and banana peels
  4. Wonder to self when husband is going to empty garbage
  5. After all, isn't having someone to take out trash why I got married?
  6. Yes, sure, also love, companionship, blah blah blah
  7. But taking out garbage is supposed to be *his* thing
  8. Like refilling toilet paper roll is mine
  9. If I start taking out garbage and he begins reloading Charmin, it would be anarchy
  10. No one wants anarchy
  11. Bin is full, no more space for butter wrappers or banana peels
  12. So I do only logical thing - begin supplemental garbage pile on top of counter above the bin
  13. Take the hint, yes?
  14. Find empty yogurt cup on top of supplemental garbage pile
  15. I did not eat yogurt
  16. Only one other person lives here
  17. Wait, is he adding to the garbage pile instead of taking care of it?
  18. This aggression will not stand
  19. This is an act of war
  20. Yes, I could take out trash myself, but, feminism
  21. Fine, that's not how feminism works
  22. Like, at all
  23. When I return from gym, I find an empty egg carton on top of Supplemental Garbage Pile
  24. And now I pledge to die before touching either main trash or annexed trash
  25. Day One of Trash Stalemate, bin still full, used paper towels added to the annex
  26. Day Two of Trash Stalemate, bin still full, dog food bag added
  27. Day Three of Trash Stalemate - bin still full, pile beginning to collapse under own weight, and...are those fruit flies?
  28. Day Four of the Trash Stalemate - BIN HAS BEEN EMPTIED!
  29. Run into master bath, where handy husband has been re-grouting the shower after work all week, shouting, "I WIN, I WIN, I WIN THE GARBAGE STAND-OFF!"
  30. "Didn't know there was a stand-off," he says. "Because I have been fixing the shower all week," he says.
  31. Oh
  32. Still a win, though
  33. I guess victory is how you get ants