WHEN I WENT TO THE GROCERY STORE ALONE (AKA PROFILES IN SHAME)

My husband had a work dinner, so I decided to pick up something at the Fresh Market close to where I dropped him off. These are the items I brought home, in the order I picked them out in the store.
  1. Cranberry, pecan, and feta salad on mixed greens
    Look how virtuous I am. Really, look at me! Is like last week when I stopped at the market after a session with my trainer and then an hour of cardio. I noticed all sorts of other shoppers in the aisles in workout clothes, yet I didn't see ANY of them at the gym. So, yeah, I'm that person now. Clearly I should be rewarded for all my clean living. Maybe with some Neptune salad.
  2. Neptune salad
    I only had coffee for lunch today because I was so busy. That means I have extra calories saved up. I wonder if they have those chewy toffee cookies here?
  3. Chewy toffee cookies
    If I'm going to eat sugar, I should take in more protein with dinner. Don't they carry that nice pimento spread here?
  4. Pimento spread
    I think it's illegal to only buy one kind of cheese at a time.
  5. Smoked Gouda
    New study says cheese is as addictive as crack. Cannot speak to veracity, as have never tried crack.
  6. Toasted French rounds
    How else would I eat the cheese? With my hands, like an animal?
  7. Boursin with fine herbs
    Needed more cheese because there are a lot of French rounds. Wanted a more equal cheese to round ratio. Mission accomplished. But something is missing...
  8. Chardonnay
    A glass of wine would be lovely, and only 120 calories.
  9. Second bottle of Chardonnay
    I'm hosting book club in a few weeks. I should buy an extra bottle.
  10. Third bottle of Chardonnay
    They have a nice selection here, lots of affordable bottles with Wine Spectator ratings. I should try something new.
  11. Fourth bottle of Chardonnay
    Hey, ten percent off if I buy four or more bottles. I'm *losing* money if I don't stock up.
  12. Fifth bottle of Chardonnay
    I'm going to need wine to bring to parties during the holidays. (People will probably invite me to holiday parties, right? And when they do, I shall be ready with my grocery store wine, although if they don't invite me to holiday parties, perhaps it's because I bring grocery store wine.)
  13. Bottles of Merlot, Shiraz, and Pinot Noir
    Also for book club. Is an excellent book club since we actually talk about the books, and someone always hates the choice so our discussions rock. Half the members of the club are over 60 which is fantastic because they give zero fucks if anyone disagrees with them. Also, each of these smart, accomplished, professional women has a story of driving off with the gas pump still in the gas tank, which is just hilarious. I live for my book club.
  14. Refused - cashier's offer of a fork
    She asked me if I was planning on eating my purchases in the Fresh Market cafe, and if so, did I need a fork? I said since I was buying eight bottles of wine, I'd probably just consume it all at home.
  15. I desperately want to put an ending on this to tie up my thoughts in a neat package, but as it's a list, that would be weird
  16. (My ending would be a caveat about why I should not be allowed to shop alone)
    Cheers!