Things people tell you when you have a baby

  1. Every birth horror story they have ever heard. Possibly even fictional ones they saw on Grey's Anatomy.
  2. What your kid should eat
    It will probably be really specific and then 2 hrs later you'll find them shoving ice cream in your kid's face
  3. How long you should breastfeed
    Because you wouldn't want to be one of those "gross" moms with a healthy 2 year old who still drinks the most perfect food made on earth specifically for them (for free). God forbid they not live on a diet of French fries and sugar water.
  4. How, when, and where your kid should sleep
    And how you put them to sleep, and what they should sleep in, if they're sleeping too much, if they're not sleeping enough, if their sleeping habits will turn them into drug addicts, and how exactly this is all your fault
  5. If your kid is as cute as their kid
    Spoiler: it's not
  6. If your kid is as advanced as their kid
    Spoiler: it's not
  7. How carrying your infant too much will spoil them
    Oh, this one's so cute
  8. What you kid's going to be when they get bigger
    A soccer player, a musician, left handed, hyper-active, a nerd, gay, a comedian, a left-handed hyper-active nerdy gay comedian...
  9. How he'll grow out of whatever phase he's in right now
    Ha, that's what you think lady, my kid's going to teeth until he's 8 just to beat your kid