The NBA season is almost here! There's lots of great stories to watch, but the one I’m most excited about isn’t on anyone’s radar. I’m focused on the Knicks’ draft pick, Kristaps Porzingis, a 20-year-old from Latvia. He’s too skinny, reportedly has nagging injuries & is 100% unproven. But he takes AMAZING photos and that's all that matters to me!
  1. Some backstory: Knicks fans were so mad at the Knicks for picking Porzingis, they showed them in the stands straight up boo'ing at the draft. Even this skinny Jeff Garlin was upset.
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  2. And one kid was uncontrollably crying.
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  3. First, let's address the elephant in the room: Prozingis looks like a school shooter.
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  4. Secondly, he has the physique of that one weird kid in middle school who got into weightlifting. I call him "Detlef Shrimp" but that's only funny to NBA peeps or Parks & Rec fans. This picture looks like he's celebrating finally being able to do two pull-ups.
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  5. Many of the press photos from his days playing overseas are ridiculous. Like this one, where I can only imagine the cameraman said, "OK, now look like you're playing dodgeball but also have little to no confidence in yourself."
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  6. Or this one where he was told, "Make it look like you have big titties and crazy sharp nipples."
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  7. Or this one, where I genuinely have no idea what the cameraman was thinking.
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  8. I also very much like this picture where it appears he's a stockbroker who plays one-on-one at the 24-hour Fitness near his office even when he forgets his gym bag at home.
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  9. I enjoy this in-action photo because it looks like one of those things where kids get to put their faces on already existing photos, like you find at amusement parks or bar mitzvahs.
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  10. And this one! He for real looks like two boys on each other's shoulders pretending to be a grown up that plays on the Knicks.
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  11. This is my FAVORITE. It can't be sweat because he really hasn't been able to play a full game yet in that jersey, and he wouldn't be practicing in his authentic jersey. So I can only assume it's something else: a butter fetish photoshoot.
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  12. He looks like if the neighbor boy from the movie The Burbs had a jump shot. Anyway, season starts in a week. I bet he doesn't make Spike Lee frustrated at all. Keep an eye on Kristaps, because you know I will.
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