Stages I've Experienced While Writing My Memoir

Pick it up on Crown/Three Rivers in 2016!!!!
  1. This is fun. What an awesome opportunity!
  2. The writing process is going better, and quicker, than I ever could have imagined.
  3. Maybe I'll send some early chapters to my editor way before deadline. Get a head start on notes and surprise him with immediate genius.
  4. Small writer's block. But I was destined to hit that at some point!
  5. Oh man, just read back the first 3 chapters and they're kinda shitty compared to where I'm at now. Gonna re-write those.
  6. Figuring out I kinda hate memoirs in general. I'll like mine, but honestly, not my cup of tea. Good to know moving forward.
  7. Haven't written in 6 weeks, but I know where I'm going with it. Gonna masturbate again.
  8. Why would anyone give a shit about my life? This morning I saw a dude on the Today Show who lost both his legs to a pipe bomb and his memoir is about learning to run a marathon. What the fuck am I doing?
  9. Can they ask for the advance back?
  10. LISA RINNA? LISA RINNA FINISHED A MEMOIR AND I CAN'T GET PAST 35K WORDS? THIS IS INSANE. GONNA MASTURBATE AGAIN.
  11. All this confusion makes sense. Like I've told myself for years during emotional spirals: I'm a shit writer. So yeah, makes sense. Own it. Shit writer.
  12. That Going Clear documentary wasn't as creepy as people are saying. It seems like they all help each other creatively on their endeavors, like for hitting a certain word count on a memoir. Do they do that? Can we check?
  13. FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK
  14. Going to kill myself. Will justify a half-finished book.
  15. Cool. Gonna write a list on an app that is currently in Beta rather than work on my memoir that is clearly due in days.