GOOD HOLIDAY PRESENTS FOR MY TODDLER, WHO DOESN'T REALLY UNDERSTAND WHAT A GOOD PRESENT IS YET

  1. The roll of wrapping paper we were going to use to wrap his presents until he decided it would be the best present of all and if we try to open it or -- gasp -- take a scissor to it, I'm pretty sure he will murder us.
  2. The roll of tape we were going to use with the wrapping paper -- because, oh my goodness, it is STICKY!!!
  3. The receipt for the wrapping paper and the tape, because CVS receipts are twelve feet long.
  4. My CVS rewards card. Because it's red and red plastic cards are awesome.
  5. The keys to the car I drove to CVS to buy the wrapping paper and tape. True story: one rainy morning we left the house and noticed the trunk was open. Why? Someone was playing with the keys-- guess who? Fortunately no damage.
  6. The leaf we found near CVS. What a great dead brown leaf. So brown. So dead. Such a great present.
  7. The used tissue next to the dead leaf. "Yuck," he says, laughing, after he wipes his nose with a used tissue. Yuck, indeed.
  8. The empty tissue pack I take from my pocket, intending to offer him an unused tissue. But who needs tissues when you have an empty plastic package to play with?
  9. The broken glass near the curb in the CVS parking lot. No. No. Do not touch the glass. No. No. I am picking you up now. No. That is dangerous. It is yuck. I feel bad always saying the word "no," but no. No. No no no.
  10. The automatic doors at CVS. Yes, obviously automatic doors would be an amazing present, but, no, we can't take them home, so please let go of them before they crush your fingers. Thank you.