HOW MY SON MUST THINK THE WORLD WORKS, BASED ON CHILDREN'S BOOKS

  1. If you grab hold of a bunch of balloons, you will float up into the sky with them.
  2. Animals have nuclear families that exist in parallel universes to ours, with their own homes, schools, doctors, businesses, and communities.
  3. Also, the animals all speak. And in fact they all speak English.
  4. Objects often come in groups ranging in size from 1-10, but almost never 11 or more.
  5. Everyone is always flying kites, fishing, and using a rowboat.
  6. If the bathtub overflows, you can just ride the water out of your house and into the street. (Also, spilled liquids never cause permanent damage.)
  7. The first day of school happens a lot. So do birthdays and most holidays, except Labor Day and Memorial Day, which don't exist.
  8. The color of most things in the world can be easily and clearly identified as red, blue, green, yellow, orange, purple, black, or white.
  9. There's no such thing as politics.
  10. Being sick means coughing and sneezing, maybe a sore throat, but never diarrhea.