Parenthood is all about using data and information to optimize your life and the life of your child. Here is how to do it:
  1. From birth, chart all diaper changes, naps, and feedings. Find a pattern. Use that pattern to set a regular schedule that works for you and your family. If no regular pattern emerges from the data, your child is broken. Sorry.
  2. It is never too early to give your child the gift of literacy. Beginning at six months, introduce and celebrate one letter of the alphabet each week. Speak only words that begin with that letter. And quit quomplaining. If your child isn't reading by age 1, your child is broken. Sorry.
  3. Potty training is a science, not an art. You should be able to train yourself to read your child's facial expressions, determine when he is thirty seconds from going to the bathroom, bring him to the potty, and, voila, potty trained with no fuss. If that doesn't work, your child is broken. Sorry.
  4. Teaching emotional regulation is a critical part of parenthood. Model this by never getting angry or upset. If you do get angry or upset, beat yourself up about it. Or let your child beat you up about it. Obviously if you parent perfectly, your child should never have a reason to cry. If your child does cry, it is your fault-- or he is broken.
  5. Math is an innate gift. Maybe you squandered your math gift, but don't let your child squander his. Answer all questions with equations and talk in numerical riddles. "We'll be there in the square root of 9 minutes!" "You'd better be in bed by the time I count to e." "I love you 30% more than I love your siblings."
  6. Choose only activities that will hone your child's skills and abilities. That means no video games, no television, no play dates with dumb people, and, heck, probably no gluten, because gluten is bad, right?
  7. Perfect parents never let their kids catch a cold. It sounds harsh, but it's true. Sorry. If your kid catches a cold, you must not be a very good parent. Or your child is broken. Sorry.
  8. Never go to bed angry. Wait, wait, no, there is still so much more laundry to be done and the kitchen is a mess. Never go to bed.