IF I SPENT A MORNING PRETENDING TO BE MY TWO-YEAR-OLD

  1. Oh, look, it's still dark outside but I just rolled over and I'm kind of bored and kind of thirsty. I think I'll wake up my wife and scream at her until she brings me a glass of milk.
  2. It's 70 degrees and sunny? I'm going to wear my snowsuit, and no one's going to convince me not to.
  3. I'm in the mood for toast for breakfast. Oh, wait, you cut the toast in half? Are you insane? Now I have to throw the toast in the garbage, and pull my snowsuit off and throw that in the garbage too. Wait, I'm still hungry. Of course I want another piece of toast. And this time it's okay if you cut it.
  4. Hmmm, what am I in the mood to do? I know, let's take every book off the bookshelves and then complain that they're all on the floor.
  5. Does my wife have an appointment this morning? I could not care less, no matter how many times she tells me about it.
  6. Also, I'm going to pull all of the clothes out of her closet, especially the ones that are folded most neatly.
  7. Wait, just because you were silly enough to plan an activity, I don't see why that means I should need to pretend to have any interest in going too. I'm too busy trying to dig my snowsuit out of the garbage.
  8. Is that a new CD you're playing? Wow, you really are insane. If the old CD isn't playing in four seconds, you're going to regret it.
  9. No, I am never napping again.
  10. Oh, we're in the car? I am asleep.
  11. Shoot, did I forget to do any work this morning and miss a whole bunch of deadlines? I literally could not care less, and I definitely don't care if we have enough money to pay our bills. It is quite possibly the last thing on my mind.
  12. Remember when you cut my toast the wrong way? I remember, and I'm never going to let you forget.