IMAGINING MY TWO-YEAR-OLD'S INTERNAL MONOLOGUES

  1. "Why wouldn't Mommy and Daddy want to know that I'm awake? I mean, we have a nice thing going, I wake up at 2am, cry out, they bring me into their bed and I roll around until I've pushed them to the very edge of the mattress and then I can finally stretch out and relax. It's our thing. Why would I want to ruin the routine?"
  2. "Did Daddy really just give me the white cereal instead of the brown kind? I know I just said 'cereal' but shouldn't he realize by now that when I say it while looking to the left I mean the white kind and when I say it while looking to the right I mean brown? I love him, but how's he ever going to learn unless I dump this bowl on the floor?"
  3. "Maybe if I just stand really still and stare at the wall, Mommy won't realize that I've just made a giant poo in my diaper. Oh, no, it seems like she smells it. Well, maybe if I deny it, she'll believe me. Oh, no, she doesn't. I guess I just have to deny it louder."
  4. "I don't understand why Daddy wants to leave the supermarket. It must be a mistake. I need to remind him how awesome the supermarket is by taking everything off the shelves. Then he will see the wide assortment of quality products and won't want to go back to the car so soon."
  5. "I know I keep on convincing myself of this, but I really thought last time was going to be the final bath ever. After all, they were so thorough. Why do they keep making me do this? Won't I ever be clean enough for these people? I think they have a problem."
  6. "My life depends on holding that grape. I swear, I will die if you do not let me hold that grape. Please give me that grape. Oh, wait, is that a strawberry over there?"
  7. "I am not tired. I am not tired. I am not tired. I am not tired. I am not tired. I am not tired. I am not tired. I am not tired. I am asleep."